I Thought I Was Alone, But I'm Not

Hello, my friends! Hope that everyone's having a good weekend!

I reread Tuesday's blog and realized that while I was a perfectionist who never really loved myself, there is a little bit more to the story: I also spent much of my life feeling alone.

The summer before I started middle school, my family and me moved from Elizabeth to Leonardo. As a result, everyone had already made their friends in elementary school, and I was the "new girl." And in middle school, being the new kid is probably the worst feeling in the world. I didn't make new friends easily AT ALL, and thought that food was really the only thing that was always there, so I would just eat, and not really feel anything, except my clothes getting tighter and tighter.

When I went into high school, I made new friends a lot easier, but in many ways, I still felt empty and alone. Sure, I was friendly and sweet, but I think because I let food suppress my feelings, I let myself ger heavy, and fat kids are looked down upon, so I was never invited to do anything with anyone, and kept to myself. Eventually, during my senior year, I opened up, but by that point, everyone was getting ready to go on their separate ways. As a result, my high school years were not the greatest.

College went better than high school in terms of making friends and being social. I lived on campus for all four years, and it was a lot easier to be around people and have a social life. However, after I graduated, I was back to being alone and back to my old habits with lack of socialization and stuffing myself with food. I then hit my highest weight, 242 pounds, and relaized that something had to change.

It wasn't until last summer that I realized that I didn't want to live the way I was living anymore. I started changing not just my body, but my soul as well. When I started this journey, I thought I was on my own. In some ways, I am, in that I'm not on a program like Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig. However, I started to talk to people online who are going through the same struggle with weight that I am, and realized that I am NEVER truly alone. Even though I haven't met these people face to face, we still support each other. So we are apart in distance, together at heart.

I have tears in my eyes as I write this. I have realized that this journey is as emotional as it is physical, and now that I truly know the "why" of how I got in such bad shape, I can figure out what to change and how to do it. I still have a bit of a way to go, but I feel a bit of a relief now that I cleared a major hurdle in my journey.

Feeling loved in and out,

Tracy