Struggling with Self-Worthiness, and Plan to Get it Back

Hello, world! I spent this past weekend at Fitbloggin' in Indy, and while it was a smaller and more low-key conference than in the past, I still had a great time! I saw a bunch of old friends, made new ones, and drank quite a bit of craft beer. ;-)

I'll have a full recap later in the week, but there was something that this weekend made me dig a little deep into, and I wanted to get those thoughts out there first. This may not sound coherent, but here goes anyway.

I was meditating in the hotel pool on Friday and came to the revelation that over the last three or four months, I've been struggling to just "be Tracy."

First off, work. I was pretty much one foot out the door over there. Basically, I was miserable. I wasn't being given enough to do, was feeling unchallenged and unappreciated, and was ready to leave. However, a new general manager came in almost two months ago. Things turned around almost as fast as you can say "Hokey Pokey." I'm in it for the long haul now. Well, as long as they want me anyway. As a result, I was trying so hard to be picture perfect to try to impress her along with the district manager who came in back in March. Turns out, they both like me, but I lost myself in the process. I forgot about the bubbly, adorable rockstar that I was known for being in favor of being "Little Miss Perfect." After a semi-nervous breakdown at work two weeks ago, I got snapped back, and I'm back to my old self. That's really all I need to be. 

Second, I never have down time. Outside of work, I run three days a week (since the streak is long over) and spend most days in the gym too. The rest of the time is either spent with the family or sleeping. No wonder I constantly feel burned out. Not cool.

I've been reading a book called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. In one of the early chapters, she wrote that most of us struggle with being worthy right now. She also mentioned that when we struggle with our self-worthiness, we basically have to beg for it. 

LIGHT BULB ON!

I am struggling with my own self-worthiness! 

Part of it has been being overweight for as long as I was, and not feeling good about myself. Part of it has to do with work, as I want to keep moving forward with the company. Part of it is wanting to be everything ALL the time. Finally, part of it is just me being a perfectionist. 

Time to let it all go. Don't sing it like Elsa. Frozen was so 2014. ;-)

The last presentation of Fitbloggin' was from Brooke Randolph, a therapist from the Indianapolis area. She spoke about emotionally healthy living, and a few points hit home for me big time, and decided I wanted to really focus on. These were also mentioned in the book, so I take it as a sign.

I need to stop thinking what others think of me and focus on myself. Time to own my story and rock it!

I can tell you right now that this will be a work in progress. Rome wasn't built in a day, so I can't undo years of self-neglect and negative thoughts in a day, either.

That being said, here's my plan:

1) Spend 15 minutes a day to myself. This can be reading, working on a hobby, or just quiet meditation. I don't think that this is being selfish. In fact, my friend Tamara wrote a post on self-care, and said that it's actually necessary. It reduces stress hormones and makes you a happier person to be with. =) She also said that like anything else, you have to MAKE time for self-care. I feel that these moments, while short, can be beneficial in the long run. Small choices add up too, right?

2) Write down one positive of the day. This won't be a social media post. It doesn't need to be. This is for ME, and as long as I can see it and own it, that's all that matters.

3) Stop trying to be EVERYTHING. I'm human. It is impossible for me to do it all. So I'm going to stop trying to. If my nephew wants to play or cuddle, and I have laundry to do, the laundry can wait. Okay, bad example, but you get the idea. Same goes for work. I don't need to be picture perfect to impress the boss. I just need to be the best version of ME in that moment, and I'll be fine. 

4) Block out what everyone else thinks. Okay, maybe not everyone. There are people who I need to take their thoughts into consideration, but for the most part, I don't need the validation of others. Going back to what I said earlier, I need to own my story. 

Whew! I know I wrote a lot, but I feel like this was all necessary. This was something that hit home this weekend, and I wanted to get it out there. I'm putting this plan into place already and I'm starting to feel better as a result. This will be a work in progress, but I know that I'm going in the right direction and can only get better from here.