Experiencing a struggle...

Hey, guys! Sorry I haven't written in awhile, I've been pretty busy!

I decided to write an entry tonight without any numbers or other cliche weight loss info, because I am keeping this real and want to write about my journey from the heart, not just the stats.

This is something that I have been kind of afraid to admit until now: I am still struggling with self-esteem, maybe a little more so before I started losing weight. When I was almost 250 pounds, I really didn't love myself. I loved everyone else more than me, which is what I think lead me to the self-destructive path I was on.

In a year, I have lost almost 60 pounds. Sure, it feels great and all, but honestly, I feel like I got almost nowhere. I'm still in the "obese" portion of the charts, and still can't shop in any of the good stores. I spend MORE time crying now than I did before, and I'm still struggling with loving myself 100%. 

For the record, I do love myself. Otherwise, who knows how much more weight I would have gained. I just struggle with loving myself 100% like I should. I will get there though. It's just a matter of time.

Thank you everyone for your love and support! :-)

Tracy

I Know, It's Been Awhile...

Hey, everyone! I know, long time no write. I've been busy as anything!

Anyway, my 25th birthday was 10 days ago, and I did not hit my goal of 70 pounds lost. I fell short by 11 pounds. I was 187 on my birthday, and still am. However, I feel so great no matter what the scale says! While that number has stayed the same, I have been losing inches throughout my body, so I am making significant progress. It took me some time to realize it, but it finally sunk in. I even splurged and bought myself some new outfits for my birthday! Of course, I splurged that weekend, but I got right back on track the following Monday. Overall, I am very, very happy with how far I have come over the course of a year! 25 will be my year to ROCK!

Have a great day, everyone!

Tracy

Hi, everyone! =)

Hello, my friends! Hope everyone is doing well!

After three weeks of no change in my scale weight, which I'm guessing is due to gaining muscle weight after starting with my trainer three weeks ago, I weighed myself this morning, and saw that I lost two pounds! Total of 59 pounds lost in 11 months! I will fall short of my birthday goal of 70, but in all honesty I could not be prouder of myself.

I have become such a different person in the last year, both mentally and physically. I am not as afraid to stand up for myself and I have realized that I am more capable of doing stuff than I ever thought I was. With my birthday coming up in 17 days, I will be celebrating not only my birthday, but a new start on my life as well.

Have a great day, everyone!

Kisses and hugs,

~Tracy~

Quick Update!

Hey, guys! Happy 4th of July weekend!

Well, first off, my four pound gain was nothing more than water weight. It came right off this week. For a moment, I thought I was messing up big time. Turns out, it was just hormones.

Second, I got set up with a trainer at my gym. I got a deal for $25 each session. I'm only doing it once a week, but I figure that is still pretty good. That way, I can see what I have to do, then work on it on my own the rest of the week. I'm realizing that I can't, or should have to, do this 100% on my own. In fact, my parents are helping me pay for it, so I have their support too. Everything is looking good right now. =)

Enjoy your weekend, everyone!

Kisses and hugs,

Tracy

Not My Week

Hi, everyone. Not in a good mood at all today. I gained FOUR pounds this week. I don't know if it's water weight, muscle building, or the fact that I just suck at what I'm doing, but I am a wreck and beyond frustrated. I know that I had a bit of a slip on Saturday, but I got right back on track. I've been in the worst mood all day.

I was doing a little bit better until I went into a store at the mall and tried on a pair of jeans that didn't totally fit. I got them buttoned, but not zippered. I was ready to cry again. I know I've gotten so far in just 10 months, but I thought that I was just a little bit smaller than I am. I'm ready to cry again. Before today, I was so on track to my birthday goal of 70 pounds lost total. I only had 13 pounds left to lose. Now, it seems so far away. It's now 17 pounds I want to lose in six weeks. I'm going to have to go hardcore clean and strict on both food and workouts now. *sigh*

Hope everyone is having a better day than I am!

Kisses and hugs,

Tracy

Brief Update

Hey, guys! Forgot to update yesterday with my weekly weigh-in results. I lost one pound, bringing me total loss to 57 pounds in 10 months! I feel great! :-)

Tracy

Happy Day!

Happy Wednesday again, my loves!

Well, my gain two weeks ago was nothing more than water weight. I lost the two pounds the following week. When I weighed in this week, I lost FOUR POUNDS! :-D I have no idea how, but I probably just had a better week than I thought! Overall, I've now lost 56 pounds in 10 months! Two months and 14 pounds to go to my birthday goal. It's going to be tough, but I will fight for it. If I don't reach my birthday goal of a total of 70 pounds lost, I won't get too upset over it. I know that no matter what, I will celebrate the start of my 25th year so much happier and healthier than any other year! :-)

Have a good night, everyone!

Kisses and hugs,

Tracy

Another Breakthrough!

Hello again, my friends!

A little while ago, after about 10 minutes of crying, a glass of milk, a much needed Twitter conversation, and a bit of a reality check, I realized that I need help on this weight loss journey. I'm getting practically no support at home anymore. My family is still stuck in their old habits, which WERE my old habits nine and a half months ago.

I know I lost 51 pounds in nine and a half months on my own. It was a very hard nine and a half months, but I'm proud of myself. However, these last two weeks the hardest yet. Last week, there was no change at all, and this week, I gained two pounds. It was today that made me realize that I can't keep doing this on my own anymore. Part of me feels like I'm raising the white flag, but I realized that even the strongest do need help. I'm not totally sure when I'm going to start, but it'll be soon. If I do join, I'll post how it goes!

Tracy

Just Hit a Roadblock :-(

Good morning, my loves! Hope everyone is having a good week!

I weighed in this morning, like I do every Wednesday, and I actually GAINED two pounds. I am so not a happy camper right now. Not at all.

Yes, I know that I ate horribly all weekend long, especially with my mom's birthday festivities, and did not get as much exercise in as I would have liked. Still, it's depressing to see the number go up on the scale instead of down. It just shows that I need to work out even more than I already am and eat that much better. I won't give up! I've come too far to go back to my old ways!

Thank you everyone for your continued love and support! Have a great day! :-)

Tracy

Happy Wednesday!

Good morning my loves! Happy Wednesday!

Well, I went to the gym for 45 minutes this morning, then weighed in...and didn't lose any weight this week. I was a little dissapointed at first, then I broke out the measuring tape and lost about seven inches overall! So I realized that even though the number on the scale didn't change, I must be doing something right, since I did lose inches. I think that the muscle gain is starting to set in, especially since I started to incorporate much more strength training than I ever have over the last 10 days.

Have a great day everyone!

Tracy

Nine Months In, and It's Great! :-)

Good morning my friends! Hope everyone is doing good!


I lost two pounds this week, bringing my total loss to 53 pounds in nine months! Only 37 pounds to go to my overall goal of a 90 pound loss, and 17 to go for my birthday goal! I KNOW I can do this!


This morning, I knew that I had to get up early to go to the gym and get my workout there in before my sister took the car to go to school. However, it was a little hard because I woke up to rain outside. However, I knew that if I didn't go early in the day, I wouldn't go at all because I have work tonight. I did get there around 8, and got a 45 minute workout in there, then went home and did my Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred DVD. I got all my workouts in before 10 a.m., first time that has happened in ages!


I can't thank everyone enough for their love and support throughout these last several months, and for keeping it coming! I love you guys!


Kisses and hugs,


Tracy

Got Hurt, But Still Able to Work Out!

Hello, my friends! Hope that everyone is having a good weekend!

On Thursday, I very, very stupidly twisted my ankle during my afternoon walk. It was a little better when I woke up on Friday morning. However, I worked and walked on it for five hours straight, which brought the pain right back. No workout on Friday. It felt horrible not being able to Shred like I have been doing!

Today, my ankle is feeling better, but I didn't want to jump right back into my normal routine and aggrivate my foot again. Just a little while ago, I realized that just because I hurt a part of my lower body doesn't mean that I couldn't workout my upper body. I did just that. I did chest flies, three forms of crunches, dumbbell rows, bicep curls, and punches. Basically, I took moves from the Shred that I knew would not put too much stress on my ankle, but knew would give me a good workout.

Before I started this journey to change my life, I would have used the ankle injury as an excuse not to work out at all. Now, I've realized that if you injure ONE part of the body, there are still others that you can work on. It's just a matter of finding the moves that you are able to do.

Have a good night everyone!

~Tracy~

Shred Update and Other Randomness

Hello, my friends! Hope everyone's day is going well.


I am four days into the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred. I am already noticing a huge difference in my endurance.


On Day 1, I could barely do 10 jumping jacks without stopping, cringed during all the sit-ups, and could not even do one regular push-up. Now, I can do a full 30 seconds of jumping jacks and not even stopping, sit-ups are so much easier, and I can do regular push-ups for half of the circuit. I feel that I will be going up to Level 2 workouts this weekend! After four days, I am noticing a huge difference in everything! And I still have 26 days to go! :-D


On another note, I'm actually going to join a gym. Yeah, I said that I would never join one, since I could do so many of those exercises at home. However, I am in need of some more variety, and I can't get it with my at home workouts for too much longer. There's one here that is only $20 a month, and has good hours and all sorts of deals this month. So, I'm going to go over on Monday afternoon and join.


One more thing, after yesterday, I set a three month weight-loss goal of 19 pounds. That will be a total of 70 pounds lost by my 25th birthday. It'll be a challenge, but one that I will take hands-on and head first. Bring it on!

Have a good day everyone!

Kisses and hugs,

Tracy

Wednesday Again!

Hello, my loves! Hope everyone's having a good week!

I only lost a half pound this week :-P I think my hormones had their way this week, but I'm not dwelling on that. My overall loss is now at 51 pounds in 8 months and three weeks!

I finished day 3 of the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred, and I am already noticing a huge difference in my endurance! I ended today's workout feeling as good as I did when I started! My legs are still a little sore, but I was expecting that beterrn the workouts and doing three hours of cleaning plans at work.

I'm feeling great, much better than I did nine months ago, just before I started changing my life. Three months from Friday, I will be 25, and I will start my 25th year so much happier and healthier than I started my 24th!

Have a good day everyone!

Kisses and hugs,

Tracy

Start the Shred!

Hello, my friends! Hope everyone had a good weekend!

I started Jillian Michaels' 30 day Shred today, as part of a challenge with some of my friends on Twitter and Celebrate Weight Loss. I wanted a change of pace from the Wii Fit and Gold's Gym Cardio exercises I was doing, and this was the perfect opportunity.

Let's just say that I had my ass kicked on the first day.

I had never done any sort of circut training before, so I had no idea that it moved as fast as it did. However, I realized that the workout wasn't going to last forever, so I pushed through, even through the ab exercises, which were tough, especially the bicycle crunches. I know that the workout will get easier over time, and that I AM capable of doing this!

Have a good day, everyone!

~Tracy~

Another Milestone Hit!! :-)

Hello, my friends! Hope everyone's having a good week!

Well, I hit another milestone this week. I lost a pound and a half this week, for a total loss of 50.5 pounds in eight and a half months!! HOORAY!

I definitely feel the best I've been in forever. I can do stuff that I didn't think I could do and stuff I was already doing can be done so much easier. When I started this journey, it was so hard to move around at work, and I would get out of breath so easily. Now, I can actually move and life has become easier. Workouts have also become easier too. For example, I could barely do 10 minutes of Wii Fit free step without stopping. Now, I can do 30-40 minutes and not feel like I have to pass out. The best was when I went to the movies yesterday, and there was a good six inches between me and the seat. All this stuff may seem small to some people, but to me, it's all huge! And things will only get better from here!

Thank you all for your love and support!

Kisses and hugs,

Tracy

Weigh-In Wednesday!

Hello, everyone! Hope everyone's having a good week!

I lost one pound this week for a total loss of 49 pounds! :-D

Not the two pound loss I was hoping for, but I'll take it! The way I look at it, it's better than no loss or GAINING weight.

Here's to another awesome week! Next week I WILL hit my 50 pound mark!

Love you guys!

Tracy

I Thought I Was Alone, But I'm Not

Hello, my friends! Hope that everyone's having a good weekend!

I reread Tuesday's blog and realized that while I was a perfectionist who never really loved myself, there is a little bit more to the story: I also spent much of my life feeling alone.

The summer before I started middle school, my family and me moved from Elizabeth to Leonardo. As a result, everyone had already made their friends in elementary school, and I was the "new girl." And in middle school, being the new kid is probably the worst feeling in the world. I didn't make new friends easily AT ALL, and thought that food was really the only thing that was always there, so I would just eat, and not really feel anything, except my clothes getting tighter and tighter.

When I went into high school, I made new friends a lot easier, but in many ways, I still felt empty and alone. Sure, I was friendly and sweet, but I think because I let food suppress my feelings, I let myself ger heavy, and fat kids are looked down upon, so I was never invited to do anything with anyone, and kept to myself. Eventually, during my senior year, I opened up, but by that point, everyone was getting ready to go on their separate ways. As a result, my high school years were not the greatest.

College went better than high school in terms of making friends and being social. I lived on campus for all four years, and it was a lot easier to be around people and have a social life. However, after I graduated, I was back to being alone and back to my old habits with lack of socialization and stuffing myself with food. I then hit my highest weight, 242 pounds, and relaized that something had to change.

It wasn't until last summer that I realized that I didn't want to live the way I was living anymore. I started changing not just my body, but my soul as well. When I started this journey, I thought I was on my own. In some ways, I am, in that I'm not on a program like Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig. However, I started to talk to people online who are going through the same struggle with weight that I am, and realized that I am NEVER truly alone. Even though I haven't met these people face to face, we still support each other. So we are apart in distance, together at heart.

I have tears in my eyes as I write this. I have realized that this journey is as emotional as it is physical, and now that I truly know the "why" of how I got in such bad shape, I can figure out what to change and how to do it. I still have a bit of a way to go, but I feel a bit of a relief now that I cleared a major hurdle in my journey.

Feeling loved in and out,

Tracy

Oh look, It's Wednesday again...

Good morning my loves!

Well, as of last week, I was within two pounds of hitting a total loss of 50 pounds. I went to weigh in this morning and I lost...absolutely nothing. :-( However, I didn't gain anything either. :-) Still, it was a little disappointing, knowing I was that close to another milestone and not hitting it.

Then again, this last week was not as good of a week as I had hoped it would be. My eating was off in all forms of the word, especially Friday, when it was so busy at work that I wasn't able to go on break and eat, so I went over 10 hours without eating anything. Then it backfired. I ended up stuffing my face with fries and a burger. And I felt SO gross after I finished. I realized that if I can't eat on a regular pattern, which is more or less the case when I have work, then I have to make better choices when I do eat, and not eat so much heavy food all at once. Oh yeah, and add something to my breakfast of Multi-Grain Cherrios, like yogurt or fruit.

Anyway, rather than moping and wallowing in my lack of a loss, I went right into a workout. I burned 270 calories in 37 minutes and felt sore after, but it gave me a good feeling that I did something that will be good for my body in the long term. In fact, I realized that eight months ago, I wasn't able to last even 10 minutes on the beginner level workouts on my Gold's Gym Cardio game. Today, I did 37 minutes on intermediate and even advanced workouts. No, I didn't get perfect scores, but I was keeping a pretty good pace with the workouts! That made me realize two things. The first is how far I've come in eight months on this journey. The second is that not everything has to be perfect, and not everything will, but as long as I can keep a pretty good pace with what I get thrown at me, then I'll be okay.

This week WILL be the week that I hit my 50 pound milestone! I just have to keep pace with the workouts and make sure I make better choices when I eat, even if I can't eat on a regular schedule!

And keep the support coming! I love it and I love you guys!

Tracy

No Matter What, Love Yourself!

Hello, my friends! Hope everyone's doing well!

Like every Tuesday night, I was watching The Biggest Loser. It was this show that motivated me to start changing my life and making myself healthy. However, it was after tonight's episode that I had a major breakthrough on my journey: I never really loved myself at all, and that led me to the self destructive path which resulted in me ending up at 242 pounds.

It was when Drea was saying that she felt unloveable and didn't want anyone to touch her that I realized that I wasn't loving myself either. Honestly, I don't think I ever really did. I have been a perfectionist since I was a kid, and figured that if it wasn't perfect, then what was the point? As a result, I found comfort in food, and I ended up being as heavy as I was.

Eight months ago, I started on a journey to lose weight and change my life. I knew there is always that one emotional barrier that everyone has to break through in order for the journey to be a true success.

Tonight, I found mine. Well, two of them to be exact.

The first is that I realized that not everything has to be perfect. I will have slips, and maybe some full blown falls, but the thing is to learn from them, and carry on. Wanting everything to be perfect just leads to an "all or nothing" attitude which will eventually lead to failure, which would eventually lead me down the same path I was on before, back up to 242 pounds, maybe more. And that is one place I don't want to go back to.

The second is that I have to love myself. I never really did, and that was why I let myself get in such bad shape. I have just started to truly love myself because I realized that no matter what, I AM truly worth it. I have started to realize that there is so much that I am capable of, and my life is worth living! As I continue on, I will start to open myself up to more love, not just from myself, but from the many people who I know love and care about me, which from comments on Facebook and Twitter, I know that many do.

To close out, thank you all for loving me and supporting me on my journey!

Kisses and hugs,

Tracy