Why can't I see what everyone else does?

Hi, everyone! Hope everyone is doing well and not stressing out over the start of the holidays!

As the title of this post states, I'm not seeing my progress as everyone else is. I get so many compliments, in person and online, as to how good I look and how good I'm doing, but I still can't see it myself. I swear that everything is going in the opposite direction for me. As the weight goes off, the self esteem is going DOWN. Not good at all. I thought that it was supposed to go UP. Hmm...

I think that it might come down to never totally knowing how to love myself.

For as long as I can remember, I was heavy. I was the "fat kid" who went home crying and eating a ton of junk food because the other kids made fun of me. Ever since, I never felt good enough or pretty enough. 

Now, it's even worse. Yes, I've lost 60 pounds, but I still don't feel pretty enough. I actually think that the reason I don't have a boyfriend, or at least guys flirting with me, is because I'm not pretty because I'm not a size 2. Everyone tells me that I am pretty no matter what size I am, but I still have trouble accepting it.

For the record, I must love myself at least A LITTLE! Otherwise, would I really be sitting here blogging about my weight-loss journey? Probably not. I'm struggling with the self-esteem, but know that there will be that one day where I finally tell myself "You are pretty! You are worth it!"

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Kisses and hugs,

Tracy

15 Month Reflection and Goals for the Future

Hi, all! I made it to my 15 month mark on my weight loss journey! I know I've only lost 60 pounds, but I haven't stopped going, even though at times, I've felt like everything was crashing down. This past week, I've done a little (okay, a lot!) of soul searching, and wanted to get my thoughts out before they slip my mind. It's a lot, so bear with me.


Six things I've learned about myself:
1) I am capable of way more than I realized that I was.
2) I have become more emotional than I was in the past, and that's okay. 
3) I honestly still struggle with self-esteem, but realize that at the end of the day, I am truly great inside and out.
4) I am not as alone in this as I thought I was.
5) I can stand up for myself and not be totally afraid of the repercussions
6) I AM WORTH IT!


Five accomplishments in 15 months:
1) 60 pound weight loss (slow, I know, but getting there!)
2) Going from a sluggish 10 minutes of cardio to up to 40 at a time
3) Giving up soda for good as of July 4
4) Going down 4-5 sizes, from a 24/26 to a 14/16, and fitting into a juniors size 17! :-D 
5) Not having to struggle to do everyday things anymore!


Four goals for the rest of 2010:
1) Get into a jean size 12
2) Increase my cardio by 10 minutes a day
3) Break through my emotional barriers once and for all! 
4) End the year strong, loud, and proud!


Three things that I hope to gain in the coming months:
1) More physical strength 
2) More clothes (seems a little silly, but I'll have even more options!)
3) 100% confidence with myself, no matter what!


Two things I want to accomplish in 2011:
1) To be at goal (90 pounds lost) and maintaing well into next year!
2) Help others who have experienced similar struggles as I have


One thing that will hold true now and forever:
1) I will NEVER go back to being over 240 pounds, miserable, and unhealthy!!


Those are my reflections and goals! They may seem a little generic, but I will get into specifics as I blog about them more and more!


Good night, and thank you for the continued love and support!


Kisses and hugs,


Tracy

Total Meltdown Today...

Hi, guys! Well, as the title of this entry says, I totally melted down today. My day started off horribly, with a gain of 3 pounds. Upset and frustrated, I realized that it was either water weight, or as the negative vibes were coming in, thought that I just plain sucked at this. 


I ended up working for five hours today, after I got done at the gym. I had full intentions of going back after my shift, to get my cardio in, but basically let my tired body get to me and said "Screw it." Not the attitude I should be having at this point in my journey! :-(


I got home, chilled for a little bit, then out of nowhere, I just totally broke down with so many negative thoughts coming into my head. Basically, I just thought of myself as an emotional, disgusting, unloveable, size 16 mess who no right minded guy would think of loving. Then the tears came. Not crying at the moment, but still frustrated.


Eventually, I will be at peace with myself, and WILL totally love myself, but I do still have some soul searching and emotional healing to get through. Thank you all for helping me and being part of this journey!


Kisses and hugs,


Tracy

It's Only Going Up!

Hey, guys! I was going to write this earlier in the day, but I needed some time to wrap my head around several positive things that happened in my weight-loss journey.


First off, on Saturday, I went to the mall, and did not have any dressing room meltdowns! In fact, it was the opposite! I was doing happy dances! Sure, not everything fit 100%, some didn't fit at all, but I just think back to last August, and I wouldn't even think about going into any store in the mall at all!


Second, I went down another size at Old Navy! I am now in a 14! Still can't wrap my head around that either. In just over a year, I go from a 24/26 to a 14/16. It still seems a little surreal.


Finally...I HIT MY 60 POUND MILESTONE TODAY!! That's the one I'm still in quite a bit of shock over. I know that my weight loss was very slow, and that most people would lose 60 pounds in half the time that I did, but I'm just glad I stayed with it. The weight did, and still is coming off! :-)


Okay, that's everything! Still in a little bit of shock over it all, but it's a good shock. The kind to keep me motivated! I still have 30 pounds or so to lose before I hit my goal, but I will get there!


Kisses and hugs,


Tracy

Experiencing a struggle...

Hey, guys! Sorry I haven't written in awhile, I've been pretty busy!

I decided to write an entry tonight without any numbers or other cliche weight loss info, because I am keeping this real and want to write about my journey from the heart, not just the stats.

This is something that I have been kind of afraid to admit until now: I am still struggling with self-esteem, maybe a little more so before I started losing weight. When I was almost 250 pounds, I really didn't love myself. I loved everyone else more than me, which is what I think lead me to the self-destructive path I was on.

In a year, I have lost almost 60 pounds. Sure, it feels great and all, but honestly, I feel like I got almost nowhere. I'm still in the "obese" portion of the charts, and still can't shop in any of the good stores. I spend MORE time crying now than I did before, and I'm still struggling with loving myself 100%. 

For the record, I do love myself. Otherwise, who knows how much more weight I would have gained. I just struggle with loving myself 100% like I should. I will get there though. It's just a matter of time.

Thank you everyone for your love and support! :-)

Tracy

I Know, It's Been Awhile...

Hey, everyone! I know, long time no write. I've been busy as anything!

Anyway, my 25th birthday was 10 days ago, and I did not hit my goal of 70 pounds lost. I fell short by 11 pounds. I was 187 on my birthday, and still am. However, I feel so great no matter what the scale says! While that number has stayed the same, I have been losing inches throughout my body, so I am making significant progress. It took me some time to realize it, but it finally sunk in. I even splurged and bought myself some new outfits for my birthday! Of course, I splurged that weekend, but I got right back on track the following Monday. Overall, I am very, very happy with how far I have come over the course of a year! 25 will be my year to ROCK!

Have a great day, everyone!

Tracy

Hi, everyone! =)

Hello, my friends! Hope everyone is doing well!

After three weeks of no change in my scale weight, which I'm guessing is due to gaining muscle weight after starting with my trainer three weeks ago, I weighed myself this morning, and saw that I lost two pounds! Total of 59 pounds lost in 11 months! I will fall short of my birthday goal of 70, but in all honesty I could not be prouder of myself.

I have become such a different person in the last year, both mentally and physically. I am not as afraid to stand up for myself and I have realized that I am more capable of doing stuff than I ever thought I was. With my birthday coming up in 17 days, I will be celebrating not only my birthday, but a new start on my life as well.

Have a great day, everyone!

Kisses and hugs,

~Tracy~

Quick Update!

Hey, guys! Happy 4th of July weekend!

Well, first off, my four pound gain was nothing more than water weight. It came right off this week. For a moment, I thought I was messing up big time. Turns out, it was just hormones.

Second, I got set up with a trainer at my gym. I got a deal for $25 each session. I'm only doing it once a week, but I figure that is still pretty good. That way, I can see what I have to do, then work on it on my own the rest of the week. I'm realizing that I can't, or should have to, do this 100% on my own. In fact, my parents are helping me pay for it, so I have their support too. Everything is looking good right now. =)

Enjoy your weekend, everyone!

Kisses and hugs,

Tracy

Not My Week

Hi, everyone. Not in a good mood at all today. I gained FOUR pounds this week. I don't know if it's water weight, muscle building, or the fact that I just suck at what I'm doing, but I am a wreck and beyond frustrated. I know that I had a bit of a slip on Saturday, but I got right back on track. I've been in the worst mood all day.

I was doing a little bit better until I went into a store at the mall and tried on a pair of jeans that didn't totally fit. I got them buttoned, but not zippered. I was ready to cry again. I know I've gotten so far in just 10 months, but I thought that I was just a little bit smaller than I am. I'm ready to cry again. Before today, I was so on track to my birthday goal of 70 pounds lost total. I only had 13 pounds left to lose. Now, it seems so far away. It's now 17 pounds I want to lose in six weeks. I'm going to have to go hardcore clean and strict on both food and workouts now. *sigh*

Hope everyone is having a better day than I am!

Kisses and hugs,

Tracy

Brief Update

Hey, guys! Forgot to update yesterday with my weekly weigh-in results. I lost one pound, bringing me total loss to 57 pounds in 10 months! I feel great! :-)

Tracy

Happy Day!

Happy Wednesday again, my loves!

Well, my gain two weeks ago was nothing more than water weight. I lost the two pounds the following week. When I weighed in this week, I lost FOUR POUNDS! :-D I have no idea how, but I probably just had a better week than I thought! Overall, I've now lost 56 pounds in 10 months! Two months and 14 pounds to go to my birthday goal. It's going to be tough, but I will fight for it. If I don't reach my birthday goal of a total of 70 pounds lost, I won't get too upset over it. I know that no matter what, I will celebrate the start of my 25th year so much happier and healthier than any other year! :-)

Have a good night, everyone!

Kisses and hugs,

Tracy

Another Breakthrough!

Hello again, my friends!

A little while ago, after about 10 minutes of crying, a glass of milk, a much needed Twitter conversation, and a bit of a reality check, I realized that I need help on this weight loss journey. I'm getting practically no support at home anymore. My family is still stuck in their old habits, which WERE my old habits nine and a half months ago.

I know I lost 51 pounds in nine and a half months on my own. It was a very hard nine and a half months, but I'm proud of myself. However, these last two weeks the hardest yet. Last week, there was no change at all, and this week, I gained two pounds. It was today that made me realize that I can't keep doing this on my own anymore. Part of me feels like I'm raising the white flag, but I realized that even the strongest do need help. I'm not totally sure when I'm going to start, but it'll be soon. If I do join, I'll post how it goes!

Tracy

Just Hit a Roadblock :-(

Good morning, my loves! Hope everyone is having a good week!

I weighed in this morning, like I do every Wednesday, and I actually GAINED two pounds. I am so not a happy camper right now. Not at all.

Yes, I know that I ate horribly all weekend long, especially with my mom's birthday festivities, and did not get as much exercise in as I would have liked. Still, it's depressing to see the number go up on the scale instead of down. It just shows that I need to work out even more than I already am and eat that much better. I won't give up! I've come too far to go back to my old ways!

Thank you everyone for your continued love and support! Have a great day! :-)

Tracy

Happy Wednesday!

Good morning my loves! Happy Wednesday!

Well, I went to the gym for 45 minutes this morning, then weighed in...and didn't lose any weight this week. I was a little dissapointed at first, then I broke out the measuring tape and lost about seven inches overall! So I realized that even though the number on the scale didn't change, I must be doing something right, since I did lose inches. I think that the muscle gain is starting to set in, especially since I started to incorporate much more strength training than I ever have over the last 10 days.

Have a great day everyone!

Tracy

Nine Months In, and It's Great! :-)

Good morning my friends! Hope everyone is doing good!


I lost two pounds this week, bringing my total loss to 53 pounds in nine months! Only 37 pounds to go to my overall goal of a 90 pound loss, and 17 to go for my birthday goal! I KNOW I can do this!


This morning, I knew that I had to get up early to go to the gym and get my workout there in before my sister took the car to go to school. However, it was a little hard because I woke up to rain outside. However, I knew that if I didn't go early in the day, I wouldn't go at all because I have work tonight. I did get there around 8, and got a 45 minute workout in there, then went home and did my Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred DVD. I got all my workouts in before 10 a.m., first time that has happened in ages!


I can't thank everyone enough for their love and support throughout these last several months, and for keeping it coming! I love you guys!


Kisses and hugs,


Tracy

Got Hurt, But Still Able to Work Out!

Hello, my friends! Hope that everyone is having a good weekend!

On Thursday, I very, very stupidly twisted my ankle during my afternoon walk. It was a little better when I woke up on Friday morning. However, I worked and walked on it for five hours straight, which brought the pain right back. No workout on Friday. It felt horrible not being able to Shred like I have been doing!

Today, my ankle is feeling better, but I didn't want to jump right back into my normal routine and aggrivate my foot again. Just a little while ago, I realized that just because I hurt a part of my lower body doesn't mean that I couldn't workout my upper body. I did just that. I did chest flies, three forms of crunches, dumbbell rows, bicep curls, and punches. Basically, I took moves from the Shred that I knew would not put too much stress on my ankle, but knew would give me a good workout.

Before I started this journey to change my life, I would have used the ankle injury as an excuse not to work out at all. Now, I've realized that if you injure ONE part of the body, there are still others that you can work on. It's just a matter of finding the moves that you are able to do.

Have a good night everyone!

~Tracy~

Shred Update and Other Randomness

Hello, my friends! Hope everyone's day is going well.


I am four days into the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred. I am already noticing a huge difference in my endurance.


On Day 1, I could barely do 10 jumping jacks without stopping, cringed during all the sit-ups, and could not even do one regular push-up. Now, I can do a full 30 seconds of jumping jacks and not even stopping, sit-ups are so much easier, and I can do regular push-ups for half of the circuit. I feel that I will be going up to Level 2 workouts this weekend! After four days, I am noticing a huge difference in everything! And I still have 26 days to go! :-D


On another note, I'm actually going to join a gym. Yeah, I said that I would never join one, since I could do so many of those exercises at home. However, I am in need of some more variety, and I can't get it with my at home workouts for too much longer. There's one here that is only $20 a month, and has good hours and all sorts of deals this month. So, I'm going to go over on Monday afternoon and join.


One more thing, after yesterday, I set a three month weight-loss goal of 19 pounds. That will be a total of 70 pounds lost by my 25th birthday. It'll be a challenge, but one that I will take hands-on and head first. Bring it on!

Have a good day everyone!

Kisses and hugs,

Tracy

Wednesday Again!

Hello, my loves! Hope everyone's having a good week!

I only lost a half pound this week :-P I think my hormones had their way this week, but I'm not dwelling on that. My overall loss is now at 51 pounds in 8 months and three weeks!

I finished day 3 of the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred, and I am already noticing a huge difference in my endurance! I ended today's workout feeling as good as I did when I started! My legs are still a little sore, but I was expecting that beterrn the workouts and doing three hours of cleaning plans at work.

I'm feeling great, much better than I did nine months ago, just before I started changing my life. Three months from Friday, I will be 25, and I will start my 25th year so much happier and healthier than I started my 24th!

Have a good day everyone!

Kisses and hugs,

Tracy

Start the Shred!

Hello, my friends! Hope everyone had a good weekend!

I started Jillian Michaels' 30 day Shred today, as part of a challenge with some of my friends on Twitter and Celebrate Weight Loss. I wanted a change of pace from the Wii Fit and Gold's Gym Cardio exercises I was doing, and this was the perfect opportunity.

Let's just say that I had my ass kicked on the first day.

I had never done any sort of circut training before, so I had no idea that it moved as fast as it did. However, I realized that the workout wasn't going to last forever, so I pushed through, even through the ab exercises, which were tough, especially the bicycle crunches. I know that the workout will get easier over time, and that I AM capable of doing this!

Have a good day, everyone!

~Tracy~

Another Milestone Hit!! :-)

Hello, my friends! Hope everyone's having a good week!

Well, I hit another milestone this week. I lost a pound and a half this week, for a total loss of 50.5 pounds in eight and a half months!! HOORAY!

I definitely feel the best I've been in forever. I can do stuff that I didn't think I could do and stuff I was already doing can be done so much easier. When I started this journey, it was so hard to move around at work, and I would get out of breath so easily. Now, I can actually move and life has become easier. Workouts have also become easier too. For example, I could barely do 10 minutes of Wii Fit free step without stopping. Now, I can do 30-40 minutes and not feel like I have to pass out. The best was when I went to the movies yesterday, and there was a good six inches between me and the seat. All this stuff may seem small to some people, but to me, it's all huge! And things will only get better from here!

Thank you all for your love and support!

Kisses and hugs,

Tracy