Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Why can't I see what everyone else does?

Hi, everyone! Hope everyone is doing well and not stressing out over the start of the holidays!

As the title of this post states, I'm not seeing my progress as everyone else is. I get so many compliments, in person and online, as to how good I look and how good I'm doing, but I still can't see it myself. I swear that everything is going in the opposite direction for me. As the weight goes off, the self esteem is going DOWN. Not good at all. I thought that it was supposed to go UP. Hmm...

I think that it might come down to never totally knowing how to love myself.

For as long as I can remember, I was heavy. I was the "fat kid" who went home crying and eating a ton of junk food because the other kids made fun of me. Ever since, I never felt good enough or pretty enough. 

Now, it's even worse. Yes, I've lost 60 pounds, but I still don't feel pretty enough. I actually think that the reason I don't have a boyfriend, or at least guys flirting with me, is because I'm not pretty because I'm not a size 2. Everyone tells me that I am pretty no matter what size I am, but I still have trouble accepting it.

For the record, I must love myself at least A LITTLE! Otherwise, would I really be sitting here blogging about my weight-loss journey? Probably not. I'm struggling with the self-esteem, but know that there will be that one day where I finally tell myself "You are pretty! You are worth it!"

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Kisses and hugs,


Tuesday, November 9, 2010

15 Month Reflection and Goals for the Future

Hi, all! I made it to my 15 month mark on my weight loss journey! I know I've only lost 60 pounds, but I haven't stopped going, even though at times, I've felt like everything was crashing down. This past week, I've done a little (okay, a lot!) of soul searching, and wanted to get my thoughts out before they slip my mind. It's a lot, so bear with me.

Six things I've learned about myself:
1) I am capable of way more than I realized that I was.
2) I have become more emotional than I was in the past, and that's okay. 
3) I honestly still struggle with self-esteem, but realize that at the end of the day, I am truly great inside and out.
4) I am not as alone in this as I thought I was.
5) I can stand up for myself and not be totally afraid of the repercussions

Five accomplishments in 15 months:
1) 60 pound weight loss (slow, I know, but getting there!)
2) Going from a sluggish 10 minutes of cardio to up to 40 at a time
3) Giving up soda for good as of July 4
4) Going down 4-5 sizes, from a 24/26 to a 14/16, and fitting into a juniors size 17! :-D 
5) Not having to struggle to do everyday things anymore!

Four goals for the rest of 2010:
1) Get into a jean size 12
2) Increase my cardio by 10 minutes a day
3) Break through my emotional barriers once and for all! 
4) End the year strong, loud, and proud!

Three things that I hope to gain in the coming months:
1) More physical strength 
2) More clothes (seems a little silly, but I'll have even more options!)
3) 100% confidence with myself, no matter what!

Two things I want to accomplish in 2011:
1) To be at goal (90 pounds lost) and maintaing well into next year!
2) Help others who have experienced similar struggles as I have

One thing that will hold true now and forever:
1) I will NEVER go back to being over 240 pounds, miserable, and unhealthy!!

Those are my reflections and goals! They may seem a little generic, but I will get into specifics as I blog about them more and more!

Good night, and thank you for the continued love and support!

Kisses and hugs,


Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Total Meltdown Today...

Hi, guys! Well, as the title of this entry says, I totally melted down today. My day started off horribly, with a gain of 3 pounds. Upset and frustrated, I realized that it was either water weight, or as the negative vibes were coming in, thought that I just plain sucked at this. 

I ended up working for five hours today, after I got done at the gym. I had full intentions of going back after my shift, to get my cardio in, but basically let my tired body get to me and said "Screw it." Not the attitude I should be having at this point in my journey! :-(

I got home, chilled for a little bit, then out of nowhere, I just totally broke down with so many negative thoughts coming into my head. Basically, I just thought of myself as an emotional, disgusting, unloveable, size 16 mess who no right minded guy would think of loving. Then the tears came. Not crying at the moment, but still frustrated.

Eventually, I will be at peace with myself, and WILL totally love myself, but I do still have some soul searching and emotional healing to get through. Thank you all for helping me and being part of this journey!

Kisses and hugs,