This post may sound like it doesn't make sense, but I was writing what I felt. You've been warned. ;-)
I meant to write this post earlier in the week, but I haven't stopped moving long enough to do so, plus I needed a few days to let this sink in.
I will not be running a half-marathon in April. I may not even run one in 2015.
Before you all yell at me for going back on my word, just let me say that this decision was not an easy one. In fact, I was continuously on the fence about it. When I actually made the decision, it was heartbreaking, but I knew it was for the best.
However, several factors came into play about me not going forward.
The first is my mental confidence is really not where I want it to be. I've had runs where I feel amazing, and others where I think to myself, "Can I do this for 13.1 miles?" That alone pretty much says it all. This whole running thing is as much mental as it is physical, and the wrong mindset can send everything into a bad tailspin. Not cool.
The second is that I am not a fast nor long runner. It would take me ages to build up my endurance (both distance and speed) for something like that. I know I can train for a half in as little as three months, but at the same time, I don't want to rush it and risk being miserable or getting hurt. Neither is any fun, and recovering from injury just sucks. Not worth it right now.
The third is that damn thing called "Keeping Up with the Joneses" syndrome. Since I gave myself some tough love a few months ago, I've gotten better, but at the same time, I still struggle with it. I see all these people who have run multiple marathons (both full and half) and even multiple races in one weekend (I'm looking at all those Dopey challengers!), and feel like I've done nothing completing only seven 5K's.
Yes, I know those seven are seven more than the old me would have done. Still, I know people who have completed seven FULL marathons. Then I get the mindset of feeling like a failure.
It was last weekend when I tweeted all those thoughts when my friends Dani and Carlee pretty much told me that my time will (eventually) come and that I had to own my OWN journey. They also said that I have to believe (for myself that I am as awesome as everyone else.
You know what? I do believe it now, more than I did before.
I may not have gone from couch potato to marathoner, but I have gone from couch potato to spin fanatic and basically just enjoys movement in general.
I went from someone who didn't love herself to losing 100 pounds and enjoying the body I'm in.
Honestly, isn't that worth a hell of a lot more than a half-marathon finisher's medal?
I think it is.
Maybe I'll eventually complete a half. Maybe not. If that path isn't meant for me, then so be it. I'm happy with what I've done and nothing can take any of those 5K's, weight loss, or self-love away from me.
Except maybe for me. I just have to learn to own and enjoy my own journey without feeling like I'm not as good as everyone else.
I now believe that I am. I have the heart, passion, and soul that make everything I've done possible. I've had a pretty awesome journey, despite the ups and downs, and every moment of it has made me the best I can be.
I would say that's pretty awesome.
How about you? Have you had to make a decision that was as heartbreaking for you as it was for me?
P.S.-I'm not bashing all of you half and full marathoners. In fact, I think you all rock! I just realized that I wasn't feeling as awesome because I don't have a collection of medals like y'all do. Not the case now.