Hi, everyone! We're two days away from JULY! How the hell did that happen? Didn't June just start?
Anyway, in case y'all have been living under a rock, or don't follow me on the socials, I went to a kick-ass conference this weekend called Fitbloggin'! Four awesome days with some of the most awesome people I know and am super happy to call friends! Plus a wild and crazy scavenger hunt with the most unexpected group of people that won all four of us a ticket to next year's conference!
I plan on formally recapping the weekend later in the week, but there was one session on Friday that really hit home and I felt that needed a separate post.
Tasha and my friend Kelly led a session called "Body Love: Becoming Comfortable Showing Your Skin." I don't know what it was, but signs were pointing me to go to that session.
Turns out it was a much needed slap in the face.
In a gist, this discussion was about how we can have both negative and positive body images of ourselves and what we can do to change how we think about it.
I'm not going to recap the whole session, since live blogger Jennifer did that on the Fitbloggin page already, but I am going to tie it in as I give myself some much needed tough love. So here goes. This may come off as a bit ramblish, but I'm writing what pops into my head. You've been warned...
Even though I've lost just over 100 pounds, I still have moments where I HATE the skin I'm in.
Granted, I love myself in general, or I wouldn't have gone through the process to lose those 100 or so pounds in the first place.
One of Tasha's comments was how we think life is better at the next size (i.e.-Going from a 10 to an 8) or weight and how there's some type of magic to those numbers. The audience response was how comparison is a dangerous game and that someone will always be smaller, faster, etc. than we are.
Which then led to how we judge ourselves before we let others. You know, we say mean and awful things to ourselves that we would NEVER think to say to anyone else. Basically, we are our own worst enemies.
Hello, slap in the face!
I have now realized that I am my own worst enemy. For the last seven or eight years, I have been WAY more critical of myself than I should EVER be.
Case in point: my 5K from two weeks ago. Instead of feeling like a rockstar for doing something that I never would have thought of doing years ago, I was mad at myself for having my slowest race ever. Granted, it was hot early and humidity was high, so I knew it was going to be tough, but I kept saying that I should have done better, that I did this before, and that I should get faster instead of slower. And I played the comparison game, feeling like I wasn't as fast because other runners were smaller, and I wasn't good enough to be out there.
Yup, I went that route. Turned a moment I should have been feeling awesome for crossing the finish line of my toughest race ever into a pity party, table of one. All because I felt like I wasn't small enough to be a fast runner.
Honestly, I look back on that race and realize that realize that may have been a turning point for me, at least mentally. It just took this session to realize it.
I now realize that I don't need to be the smallest person to get out there and enjoy it. Not just racing, but life in general.
It's about being confident as I am NOW. In my case, it's letting go of the girl who was 246 pounds, a size 24, and MAJORLY unhappy with myself. I still let my old self take control along with the negative mindset of that person.
I mean, I didn't lose 100 pounds to be miserable all the time, right? NO! I did it so I could be healthy and happy with myself. I let the emotions of the old me take over, and look at myself as someone who's miserable and hating myself.
I know I still have a bit of loose skin (getting real here), and have no intentions of surgery right now (that damn thing called money), so I let that dictate how I feel about myself and what I'm wearing or doing in a moment. Why do I let that matter? I think it's because I expected to be picture perfect after major weight loss. Now that I think about it, I should look at it as a reminder that I did something awesome for myself and that I would rather have it loose than tight with the extra 100 pounds.
In a nutshell, I give emotions way more power than I should. I wear my heart on my sleeve and let one bad thought get in the way of the tons of positive ones I have.
Yes, I do have moments of "This makes me look fat." when I put something on and still struggle with people telling me I look good. I'm getting better at it, but every day is a challenge. Again, the mentality of the "old" me surfacing.
I also have a tendency to look for flaws in pictures after I've taken them, like if I can see a fat roll or hair out of place.
Then I took this picture during the Fitbloggin' Fun Run 5K yesterday.
I may sound a little full of myself here, but I can't get enough of this picture.
In that moment, I was exactly one mile above sea level in the middle of a fun run, having a BLAST, and feeling like a freaking rockstar!
I can't find a single thing wrong with myself in this picture. I looked as happy as I felt, and I wasn't focused on finding anything wrong with myself. Except for not having my pink Shwings. ;-) But you know what I mean. I feel pretty damn AWESOME about myself!
I decided I'm making that my mission. Instead of looking at myself in the light and persona of the old Tracy, I am going to make myself feel like the rockstar everyone else knows I am.
I will say stuff like "I feel good in this" or "I love what my body can do." Because I know that the me when I started this journey would never even have those kinds of thoughts.
I deserve to be happy and part of that is loving how I am NOW, no matter my shape. It's what makes me me, right?
Otherwise, how else am I supposed to take on the world, like my tagline says? ;-)