Hi, all! It's been some time since I posted, but I felt the need to put something up tonight.
Within the past two weeks, I signed up for two different events, both of which I'll be doing for the first time.
The first is a local 5K on May 19. I never ran any sort of race, and decided that I would do a 5K this year. I was on the fence about it for a few weeks, but finally printed and filled out the entry form today. It's going in the mail tomorrow. I'm excited and can't wait to start training! (Also, this might help me to blog more, with training progress and such ;-) )
The second is the annual Fitbloggin conference in Baltimore this September. Again, it's something I've never done. I've never been to Fitbloggin, and I've never taken an overnight trip by myself. I can't wait to go to that either, meet several of my Twitter friends, and have a good time! =)
On another note, I made it to 85 pounds lost! Only 15 more to go before I hit my weight loss goal! I made it this far, I got this to the end and then some!
That's all from me tonight! Peace!
Kisses and hugs,
Tracy
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Just...amazed, and a warrior queen to boot
Hi, all! Ten days into 2012 and I hope it's treating you all well!
I know I haven't posted lately, and it's partly from time, but mostly from a lack of words.
Tonight, while tweeting about not knowing what to blog about, my friend Jennifer (@flowermom3 on Twitter), was telling me that I've come a long way, and that I should be amazed at what I've done.
So, thanks to her, that's tonight's post.
When I started this journey almost two and a half years ago, I was a weak (both physically and emotionally) 24 year old whose life was more out of control than I thought it was.
I realized I had to turn my life from "I can't" and "I'm not" to one of "I can" and "I am." Throughout this journey, I for the most part have. However, I have still had those moments of breakdowns and still seeing myself as that weak person still unhappy with myself.
Just recently, as in the last two or three months, I've had a breakthrough. I'm truly seeing myself as that strong, skinny person that I am! I've realized that I have changed throughout this journey, and that I can do just about anything.
That includes not beating myself up over the small stuff. For example, I had a sluggish elliptical run (2.15 miles in 15 minutes) today. I was so upset with that today because I know I can go so much faster. However, looking back on it tonight, I remember a time when I couldn't even go that fast. I also told myself that what really matters is that I went in there and gave it my all today, sore body and all. I also realized that I can always try again the next day.
One of my favorite cardio songs, which has turned into one of my favorite songs ever, is Lady Gaga's "Marry the Night." It can blast me through a bad run or put me in a good mood when I'm feeling a bit down. Yeah, I know it's pretty much a song about partying and such, but I think the opening verse just describes my journey, especially more recently, even more than the Jordin Sparks song that serves as my blog title does. Anyway, here's the verse:
"I'm gonna marry the night
I won't give up on my life
I'm a warrior queen
live passionately tonight."
In two and a half years, it's safe to say I've become a warrior queen on this journey.
Kisses and hugs,
Tracy
I know I haven't posted lately, and it's partly from time, but mostly from a lack of words.
Tonight, while tweeting about not knowing what to blog about, my friend Jennifer (@flowermom3 on Twitter), was telling me that I've come a long way, and that I should be amazed at what I've done.
So, thanks to her, that's tonight's post.
When I started this journey almost two and a half years ago, I was a weak (both physically and emotionally) 24 year old whose life was more out of control than I thought it was.
I realized I had to turn my life from "I can't" and "I'm not" to one of "I can" and "I am." Throughout this journey, I for the most part have. However, I have still had those moments of breakdowns and still seeing myself as that weak person still unhappy with myself.
Just recently, as in the last two or three months, I've had a breakthrough. I'm truly seeing myself as that strong, skinny person that I am! I've realized that I have changed throughout this journey, and that I can do just about anything.
That includes not beating myself up over the small stuff. For example, I had a sluggish elliptical run (2.15 miles in 15 minutes) today. I was so upset with that today because I know I can go so much faster. However, looking back on it tonight, I remember a time when I couldn't even go that fast. I also told myself that what really matters is that I went in there and gave it my all today, sore body and all. I also realized that I can always try again the next day.
One of my favorite cardio songs, which has turned into one of my favorite songs ever, is Lady Gaga's "Marry the Night." It can blast me through a bad run or put me in a good mood when I'm feeling a bit down. Yeah, I know it's pretty much a song about partying and such, but I think the opening verse just describes my journey, especially more recently, even more than the Jordin Sparks song that serves as my blog title does. Anyway, here's the verse:
"I'm gonna marry the night
I won't give up on my life
I'm a warrior queen
live passionately tonight."
In two and a half years, it's safe to say I've become a warrior queen on this journey.
Kisses and hugs,
Tracy
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Quick Update
Hey, all! I know it's been awhile since I last blogged, and I do apologize, and will probably make a New Year's resolution to blog more...lol.
Since I last blogged, I hit 3 milestones:
1) I hit my 80 pound loss. FINALLY! 20 pounds to goal now. =)
2) I bought my first ever pair of Abercrombie and Fitch jeans. Size 12. They are a little tight, but THEY FIT!! =D Here's that pic:
3) Last Friday, I made it through a 10k (6.22 miles) on the elliptical. Well, actually, I didn't want to get off the machine, so I ended up doing a little bit more...
Well, there were some slow stretches on this workout, and I did walk a few times, but I didn't give up!
Actually, I realized there is a fourth one as well. I went into the mall on Tuesday and went into Hollister. Just for kicks, I tried on a pair of size 11 jeans. No surprise, they didn't fit. I'm not even sure you can call it close to fitting. However, I was okay with it. A year ago, hell, even six months ago, I would have pulled a fit and burst into tears in the dressing room. This time, I held my head high and realized that there is more to life than wearing Hollister jeans.
I'm taking a mental health day, so it's back to watching Cars 2 for me! Good night to you all!
Kisses and hugs,
Tracy
Since I last blogged, I hit 3 milestones:
1) I hit my 80 pound loss. FINALLY! 20 pounds to goal now. =)
2) I bought my first ever pair of Abercrombie and Fitch jeans. Size 12. They are a little tight, but THEY FIT!! =D Here's that pic:
Well, there were some slow stretches on this workout, and I did walk a few times, but I didn't give up!
Actually, I realized there is a fourth one as well. I went into the mall on Tuesday and went into Hollister. Just for kicks, I tried on a pair of size 11 jeans. No surprise, they didn't fit. I'm not even sure you can call it close to fitting. However, I was okay with it. A year ago, hell, even six months ago, I would have pulled a fit and burst into tears in the dressing room. This time, I held my head high and realized that there is more to life than wearing Hollister jeans.
I'm taking a mental health day, so it's back to watching Cars 2 for me! Good night to you all!
Kisses and hugs,
Tracy
Monday, October 17, 2011
Who's Afraid of 13? Not this girl!
Hi, guys! I know it's been over two months since I last updated, but tonight, I felt more motivation to write.
The last two months, I've been more or less down on myself. I know I've come so far in two years, but there are moments when I still struggle with the self-esteem. I think I sound like a broken record when I say this, but I think it's partially due to never knowing what it's like to feel good about myself. I feel better about myself, of course, but there are times when I still have that insecurity and still wish I was smaller, faster, or yes, prettier, than I am.
However, on Saturday, I hit a turning point. An emotional one.
I went to Kohl's on Saturday afternoon, kind of a spur of the moment shopping trip on the way to get dinner. I went into the juniors' department, just wanting one pair of jeans, not expecting my size to have changed at all. I picked out a few things, including a pair of Candie's flare leg jeans in a size 13, just for kicks.
Those were the first jeans I tried on, and THEY ACTUALLY FIT!! Here's the dressing room pic:
I loved them, then realized they were (obviously) too long, even if I wore my black dress shoes with them. I did try on another pair, a boot cut pair, still a size 13, along with a juniors XL top:
I ended up buying the whole outfit. It cost me $31. This is what I call winning. =D
Saturday showed just how far I've really come, even if I didn't truly realize it. I know I can finish what I started and I will see it through to the end!
Kisses and hugs,
Tracy
The last two months, I've been more or less down on myself. I know I've come so far in two years, but there are moments when I still struggle with the self-esteem. I think I sound like a broken record when I say this, but I think it's partially due to never knowing what it's like to feel good about myself. I feel better about myself, of course, but there are times when I still have that insecurity and still wish I was smaller, faster, or yes, prettier, than I am.
However, on Saturday, I hit a turning point. An emotional one.
I went to Kohl's on Saturday afternoon, kind of a spur of the moment shopping trip on the way to get dinner. I went into the juniors' department, just wanting one pair of jeans, not expecting my size to have changed at all. I picked out a few things, including a pair of Candie's flare leg jeans in a size 13, just for kicks.
Those were the first jeans I tried on, and THEY ACTUALLY FIT!! Here's the dressing room pic:
I loved them, then realized they were (obviously) too long, even if I wore my black dress shoes with them. I did try on another pair, a boot cut pair, still a size 13, along with a juniors XL top:
I ended up buying the whole outfit. It cost me $31. This is what I call winning. =D
Saturday showed just how far I've really come, even if I didn't truly realize it. I know I can finish what I started and I will see it through to the end!
Kisses and hugs,
Tracy
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Happy Birthday to Me!
Hi, everyone! I know I haven't posted in awhile, partly to busyness, and partly lack of inspiration.
For those who haven't seen it on Twitter and/or Facebook, today is my birthday. I'm 26, yet feel younger than that even.
This last year has been an up and down year, both emotionally and physically. It was a continuation in my weight loss journey, and I have learned that it is as much emotional as it is physical. I think that as I enter my 26th year, I have learned a lot more than I did going into my 25th. I learned that it is okay to put myself first, and not feel guilty when I do. I also learned that I can do it on my own. Granted, there are times when it's hard to do so, and I'm not saying that this whole journey is easy, but it can be done.
For those wondering, I did not hit my weight loss goal by my birthday. I am down to 169 pounds, which is 19 pounds short of my initial goal. However, I reset my goal by 4 pounds. I am now going for 100 pounds lost. It won't be easy, but I am determined to see it through!
Thank you for all your love and support during the last year and for the coming year and beyond!
Kisses and hugs,
Tracy
For those who haven't seen it on Twitter and/or Facebook, today is my birthday. I'm 26, yet feel younger than that even.
This last year has been an up and down year, both emotionally and physically. It was a continuation in my weight loss journey, and I have learned that it is as much emotional as it is physical. I think that as I enter my 26th year, I have learned a lot more than I did going into my 25th. I learned that it is okay to put myself first, and not feel guilty when I do. I also learned that I can do it on my own. Granted, there are times when it's hard to do so, and I'm not saying that this whole journey is easy, but it can be done.
For those wondering, I did not hit my weight loss goal by my birthday. I am down to 169 pounds, which is 19 pounds short of my initial goal. However, I reset my goal by 4 pounds. I am now going for 100 pounds lost. It won't be easy, but I am determined to see it through!
Thank you for all your love and support during the last year and for the coming year and beyond!
Kisses and hugs,
Tracy
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
FINALLY Loving Myself!
Hey, all! I know it's been awhile since I wrote. I've had no inspiration to write lately. Blah. =P
Anyway, yesterday, I had a major breakthrough on my weight loss journey!
I finally have started to love myself and see myself as the smaller person I am. Almost two years in to this, and for the first time, I'm truly loving myself.
You see, I bought a pair of size 17 Unionbay khaki short shorts last summer. Part of me did it because they were only $3 on the clearance rack at Kohl's. Part of me was planning on wearing them that summer. Well, it didn't happen then. I still was not fully confident to wear them at all last year.
Well, yesterday, that all changed. I put them on, and honestly, it was such a strange feeling. Then again, over the last two years, I've had a lot of strange feelings, not just about clothes, but all sorts of other stuff too (but that's another post). Anyway, I put them on and went out wearing them! And I felt so confident with myself! That was a huge step in this journey, and from here on out, it's no more negatives! Well, mostly no more negatives...lol.
Before I end this post, here's a pic from yesterday! I am now 171 pounds (down 75 pounds!) and in a juniors' size 17!
Tracy
Anyway, yesterday, I had a major breakthrough on my weight loss journey!
I finally have started to love myself and see myself as the smaller person I am. Almost two years in to this, and for the first time, I'm truly loving myself.
You see, I bought a pair of size 17 Unionbay khaki short shorts last summer. Part of me did it because they were only $3 on the clearance rack at Kohl's. Part of me was planning on wearing them that summer. Well, it didn't happen then. I still was not fully confident to wear them at all last year.
Well, yesterday, that all changed. I put them on, and honestly, it was such a strange feeling. Then again, over the last two years, I've had a lot of strange feelings, not just about clothes, but all sorts of other stuff too (but that's another post). Anyway, I put them on and went out wearing them! And I felt so confident with myself! That was a huge step in this journey, and from here on out, it's no more negatives! Well, mostly no more negatives...lol.
Before I end this post, here's a pic from yesterday! I am now 171 pounds (down 75 pounds!) and in a juniors' size 17!
Kisses and hugs,
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Putting the Weight Back On
Hi all! For the record, you DID read that title right.
Yes, I did put the weight back on, but not literally. I don't think I could do it for real even if I tried.
At the gym this morning, I told my trainer that I hit my 75 pound weight loss milestone (this morning, actually! =D). Guess the first thing he made me do.
That's right. Put the weight back on. Well, not exactly on.
He got two 35 pound kettlebells, made me put one in each hand, and do two laps around the gym holding them. Even though it was 5 pounds less than I lost, it was still really hard to do. By the time it was over, I wanted to cry. I could not believe that just under two years ago, I was literally carrying that weight around 24/7/365! It was such hard work! It was then that I truly realized that I could not put that weight back on to my body ever again.
Just figured I would share that with everyone! Have a good night!
Kisses and hugs,
Tracy
Yes, I did put the weight back on, but not literally. I don't think I could do it for real even if I tried.
At the gym this morning, I told my trainer that I hit my 75 pound weight loss milestone (this morning, actually! =D). Guess the first thing he made me do.
That's right. Put the weight back on. Well, not exactly on.
He got two 35 pound kettlebells, made me put one in each hand, and do two laps around the gym holding them. Even though it was 5 pounds less than I lost, it was still really hard to do. By the time it was over, I wanted to cry. I could not believe that just under two years ago, I was literally carrying that weight around 24/7/365! It was such hard work! It was then that I truly realized that I could not put that weight back on to my body ever again.
Just figured I would share that with everyone! Have a good night!
Kisses and hugs,
Tracy
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Milestones Hit!
Hi, everyone! It's been some time since I last posted, but this one is a happy post!
Last week, I hit my 70 pound milestone! I lost 5 pounds, bringing my total loss to 71 pounds in a year and eight months! Yay! I rewarded myself with Carolyn Hennesy's "The Secret Life of Damian Spinelli" book (I'm a soap opera fanatic, for those who didn't know that...lol.)
Second, I bought my first ever pair of Aeropostale jeans! Size 15/16 skinny jeans and they fit perfectly! Best part was that they were on sale for $14.99! Double success! =D
Third, I have decided to end my personal training when the contract ends in May. It is a lot of money for me, plus I think I'm at a point where I think I'm set to go back on my own. I did start this journey on my own, so I can totally finish it on my own. It might take some time (still about 20 pounds to lose), but it is definitely doable!
That's all from me for tonight. Peace out, peeps! =)
Kisses and hugs,
Tracy
Last week, I hit my 70 pound milestone! I lost 5 pounds, bringing my total loss to 71 pounds in a year and eight months! Yay! I rewarded myself with Carolyn Hennesy's "The Secret Life of Damian Spinelli" book (I'm a soap opera fanatic, for those who didn't know that...lol.)
Second, I bought my first ever pair of Aeropostale jeans! Size 15/16 skinny jeans and they fit perfectly! Best part was that they were on sale for $14.99! Double success! =D
Third, I have decided to end my personal training when the contract ends in May. It is a lot of money for me, plus I think I'm at a point where I think I'm set to go back on my own. I did start this journey on my own, so I can totally finish it on my own. It might take some time (still about 20 pounds to lose), but it is definitely doable!
That's all from me for tonight. Peace out, peeps! =)
Kisses and hugs,
Tracy
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Quick Update!
Hello, everyone! I know it's been awhile since I last wrote on here, but I've been busy with work and the gym, plus my access to my laptop is extremely limited since it's the only computer in the house.
Anyway, I just wanted to update you all with my latest progress:
1) I hit BOTH my cardio goals for the month of March! I did 46.03 miles on the elliptical, going over my goal of 45 miles by 1.03! My goal for the summit trainer was 25 miles, and I did 25.7! Success!
2) No change with my weight. I have hit a plateau, both physically and emotionally. Plus, this week is "that time", so that doesn't help any at all. Oh well. Just kick ass more this coming week!
3) I have survived nine months without soda. So many times I've been tempted to cave in and have one, but I've stayed strong. I didn't think I would!
Anyway, that's all for tonight! Next post, I'll have some pictures up on here!
Kisses and hugs,
Tracy
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Same Story, Different Day =(
Hi, everyone! I know it's been awhile since I wrote on here! Between not having constant access to my laptop, and simply lack of inspiration, it's been a little hard to.
It has been an up and down month, both physically and emotionally. I seem to have hit another "Debbie Downer" phase, at least for part of the month. My numbers weren't where I wanted them to be, and I was, once again, struggling with my self-esteem. I have spent a good chunk of February as a mess. Just as I thought I was getting better, it all came crashing down again.
I realize that I have less than a third of my goal left to go, and that the weight will not come off as easily as it did in the beginning, not that the first part of my weight loss was a (sugar-free...lol) cakewalk, but it seems that the last 20-30 pounds is the hardest to lose. Still, part of me feels like I'm not doing enough or doing something wrong, because honestly, I feel like I should be at goal by now, after over a year and a half of doing this.
As for the emotional, it's more of the same crap I've been thinking about for months. Once again, I hit a point where I don't think I'm loveable. I know that there is more to a person than what's on the outside, but sadly, most people don't. That is such a shame to think about, much less talk about, but it is, very sadly, reality. I think part of it is not knowing anything but being heavy, looked down on, and made fun of for pretty much my entire life. I know I'll accept myself, and I have at one point, but for now, it's back to where I was: feeling disgusting and unloveable.
Anyway, I'll end here. Hope I can blog again soon!
Kisses and hugs,
Tracy
It has been an up and down month, both physically and emotionally. I seem to have hit another "Debbie Downer" phase, at least for part of the month. My numbers weren't where I wanted them to be, and I was, once again, struggling with my self-esteem. I have spent a good chunk of February as a mess. Just as I thought I was getting better, it all came crashing down again.
I realize that I have less than a third of my goal left to go, and that the weight will not come off as easily as it did in the beginning, not that the first part of my weight loss was a (sugar-free...lol) cakewalk, but it seems that the last 20-30 pounds is the hardest to lose. Still, part of me feels like I'm not doing enough or doing something wrong, because honestly, I feel like I should be at goal by now, after over a year and a half of doing this.
As for the emotional, it's more of the same crap I've been thinking about for months. Once again, I hit a point where I don't think I'm loveable. I know that there is more to a person than what's on the outside, but sadly, most people don't. That is such a shame to think about, much less talk about, but it is, very sadly, reality. I think part of it is not knowing anything but being heavy, looked down on, and made fun of for pretty much my entire life. I know I'll accept myself, and I have at one point, but for now, it's back to where I was: feeling disgusting and unloveable.
Anyway, I'll end here. Hope I can blog again soon!
Kisses and hugs,
Tracy
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
JanGTD Reflection
Hi, everyone! I know it's been awhile since I blogged, but I have been a busy girl! Work, sleep, vidding, and so much more! But I decided to finally make time and write this entry about a challenge I just finished.
Through some Twitter pals, I found out about a challenge called "Go the Distance." Basically, it was setting goals with both strength training circuits and cardio miles. These were the goals I set for myself:
1) 12 strength circuits
2) 50 miles on the elliptical
3) 25 miles on the summit trainer
Most of the month was a challenge. Besides not having access to my gym for several days of the month (Snow kept me from getting to the gym), there were honestly some days where I didn't feel like working out. Still, I pushed through those mental blocks, and kicked ass more and more throughout the month!
Results of JanGTD:
1) 11 strength circuits done. If I was more motivated to workout at home, I would have gotten to 12. =(
2) 39.8 miles out of 50 on the elliptical. 79.6% of my goal. Given that I wasn't able to get to the gym as often as I would have liked, I'm happy with that.
3) 25.4 miles on the summit trainer. I went over goal by 0.4 miles. I set a smaller goal on that because it is the harder of the two modalities, and I hit it last night!
However, even if I didn't hit my overall goal, I set some smaller goals for myself. One was to do an hour of cardio, since I was hardly able to do 20 minutes without wanting to pass out. I did that several times throughout the month!
My second was to hit 4 miles on the elliptical. I had done at most 3 and change at once, and I really wanted to hit 4, partially to push myself, and partially to tell myself "Yes, I can!" All month, I struggled to do it. On Sunday, something came over me, and the juices were flowing hard and fast! I set the timer on the elliptical for 30 minutes, but told myself I would not get off until I hit the 4 miles. I didn't need the full 30 minutes to hit it. I hit my fourth mile at 28:52! However, I didn't quit until I finished the full 30 minutes, and ended at 4.15 miles. Here's the pic for those who need proof...lol (Ignore the heart rate reading. I wasn't holding the sensors.):
One word: INSANITY!!
I had several of my Twitter pals rooting me on as I did this. I try not to tweet (or do anything else) while I workout, but tweeting on Sunday definitely helped me! Knowing that people were supporting me was awesome!
Even though I only hit one of my three goals during this challenge, I felt like I accomplished so much more. I pushed myself in ways that I may not have if I didn't sign up for this. This was also the first time that I had set a specific goal for myself. Just having the goal totally motivated me in the gym!
Before I close, I lost 3 pounds this week, bringing my total loss to 66 pounds! I am now 180, which is a number I haven't seen in, like, 10 years! Such an amazing feeling!
Okay, I'm done before I turn this entry into a book! Good night, and happiness to all! =)
Kisses and hugs,
Tracy
Monday, December 27, 2010
More to Life than Clothes and Appearance
Hi, everyone! I know it's been over a month since I last wrote in here! Holiday craziness, stress, and and just lack of motivation have sort of caused me to lose ideas to write.
However, after taking part in a chat on Twitter last week, I sort of got an idea for a blog. It took me a few days to put it on here though. I have started to realize that there is more to living than just appearances and that one can not judge self-worth or anything else on the outside alone. It took me a while to realize this myself, and that I was getting upset over the dumbest stuff.
For example, I almost had a meltdown in Victoria's Secret after I realized I was still too big to fit into their bras there. I wanted to cry so bad. Yes, I know the bras are overpriced, but that was something that I have never been able to do, and knowing that I still can't does suck, but I just realized that over a year ago, I would have never had the guts to go in that store at all. So, baby steps do lead somewhere.
I have realized that not everything can happen all at once, and that I can't flip out over something as silly as a $40 bra at VS or a $60 pair of Hollister jeans (yes, I have had near meltdowns in there too after finding out that their largest size is an 11). However, I know that in time, I will be able to shop in those stores too (and my bank account will not be thanking me any...lol) and that I have to keep moving forward.
Last week, I started taking part in the "Me First" chats on Twitter. (The movement's website is www.thememovement.com) The topic was body image. Through numerous questions I have realized that I was still clinging to a negative body image. Even though I had lost all this weight, I still couldn't find a positive thing about myself. However, with a little bit of soul searching, I have started to come around. For example, today I looked in the mirror, well, kitchen window, and for the first time, did not think that my legs were fat! From the front, I saw skinny legs, and the back, I saw well-defined, muscular legs! That was one of my biggest problems for awhile. I always thought I had fat legs, but realized that I just have muscular, athletic calves! Oh, and I can fit a whole calf into a boot, so that helped too...lol =)
I know that the world is a superficial place, with thin people being more desired and praised while heavier people are looked down upon, and often rejected by society in general. During the chat, a shirt from Urban Outfitters was brought up. The shirt simply said "Eat Less." Just an example of thin being more desired. Stuff like that leads to more girls having negative body image and possibly having an eating disorder. Just goes to show that inner qualities aren't as important to some people as physical appearance. I'm thankful that I was able to start loving myself before I could go down that route.
I want to close with this little task for you. Look in the mirror. Think of five positive traits about yourself (not physical). Say them to yourself. I did this exercise the other day and I felt better about myself right away. For the record, here are my five:
1) I am a caring person.
2) I do what I feel is right, even if it's not the popular choice.
3) I am usually energetic.
4) I am an awesome friend.
5) I love to laugh, and can sometimes make others laugh too. =)
You can share your five or not, it's up to you. It's just a small exercise to realize that life is more than numbers and physical appearances, something that I struggled to realize myself until recently.
If I don't blog again before Saturday, Happy New Year! Let's make 2011 a year to full of positivity and happiness! =D
Kisses and hugs,
Tracy
However, after taking part in a chat on Twitter last week, I sort of got an idea for a blog. It took me a few days to put it on here though. I have started to realize that there is more to living than just appearances and that one can not judge self-worth or anything else on the outside alone. It took me a while to realize this myself, and that I was getting upset over the dumbest stuff.
For example, I almost had a meltdown in Victoria's Secret after I realized I was still too big to fit into their bras there. I wanted to cry so bad. Yes, I know the bras are overpriced, but that was something that I have never been able to do, and knowing that I still can't does suck, but I just realized that over a year ago, I would have never had the guts to go in that store at all. So, baby steps do lead somewhere.
I have realized that not everything can happen all at once, and that I can't flip out over something as silly as a $40 bra at VS or a $60 pair of Hollister jeans (yes, I have had near meltdowns in there too after finding out that their largest size is an 11). However, I know that in time, I will be able to shop in those stores too (and my bank account will not be thanking me any...lol) and that I have to keep moving forward.
Last week, I started taking part in the "Me First" chats on Twitter. (The movement's website is www.thememovement.com) The topic was body image. Through numerous questions I have realized that I was still clinging to a negative body image. Even though I had lost all this weight, I still couldn't find a positive thing about myself. However, with a little bit of soul searching, I have started to come around. For example, today I looked in the mirror, well, kitchen window, and for the first time, did not think that my legs were fat! From the front, I saw skinny legs, and the back, I saw well-defined, muscular legs! That was one of my biggest problems for awhile. I always thought I had fat legs, but realized that I just have muscular, athletic calves! Oh, and I can fit a whole calf into a boot, so that helped too...lol =)
I know that the world is a superficial place, with thin people being more desired and praised while heavier people are looked down upon, and often rejected by society in general. During the chat, a shirt from Urban Outfitters was brought up. The shirt simply said "Eat Less." Just an example of thin being more desired. Stuff like that leads to more girls having negative body image and possibly having an eating disorder. Just goes to show that inner qualities aren't as important to some people as physical appearance. I'm thankful that I was able to start loving myself before I could go down that route.
I want to close with this little task for you. Look in the mirror. Think of five positive traits about yourself (not physical). Say them to yourself. I did this exercise the other day and I felt better about myself right away. For the record, here are my five:
1) I am a caring person.
2) I do what I feel is right, even if it's not the popular choice.
3) I am usually energetic.
4) I am an awesome friend.
5) I love to laugh, and can sometimes make others laugh too. =)
You can share your five or not, it's up to you. It's just a small exercise to realize that life is more than numbers and physical appearances, something that I struggled to realize myself until recently.
If I don't blog again before Saturday, Happy New Year! Let's make 2011 a year to full of positivity and happiness! =D
Kisses and hugs,
Tracy
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Why can't I see what everyone else does?
Hi, everyone! Hope everyone is doing well and not stressing out over the start of the holidays!
As the title of this post states, I'm not seeing my progress as everyone else is. I get so many compliments, in person and online, as to how good I look and how good I'm doing, but I still can't see it myself. I swear that everything is going in the opposite direction for me. As the weight goes off, the self esteem is going DOWN. Not good at all. I thought that it was supposed to go UP. Hmm...
I think that it might come down to never totally knowing how to love myself.
For as long as I can remember, I was heavy. I was the "fat kid" who went home crying and eating a ton of junk food because the other kids made fun of me. Ever since, I never felt good enough or pretty enough.
Now, it's even worse. Yes, I've lost 60 pounds, but I still don't feel pretty enough. I actually think that the reason I don't have a boyfriend, or at least guys flirting with me, is because I'm not pretty because I'm not a size 2. Everyone tells me that I am pretty no matter what size I am, but I still have trouble accepting it.
For the record, I must love myself at least A LITTLE! Otherwise, would I really be sitting here blogging about my weight-loss journey? Probably not. I'm struggling with the self-esteem, but know that there will be that one day where I finally tell myself "You are pretty! You are worth it!"
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
Kisses and hugs,
Tracy
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
15 Month Reflection and Goals for the Future
Hi, all! I made it to my 15 month mark on my weight loss journey! I know I've only lost 60 pounds, but I haven't stopped going, even though at times, I've felt like everything was crashing down. This past week, I've done a little (okay, a lot!) of soul searching, and wanted to get my thoughts out before they slip my mind. It's a lot, so bear with me.
Six things I've learned about myself:
1) I am capable of way more than I realized that I was.
2) I have become more emotional than I was in the past, and that's okay.
3) I honestly still struggle with self-esteem, but realize that at the end of the day, I am truly great inside and out.
4) I am not as alone in this as I thought I was.
5) I can stand up for myself and not be totally afraid of the repercussions
6) I AM WORTH IT!
Five accomplishments in 15 months:
1) 60 pound weight loss (slow, I know, but getting there!)
2) Going from a sluggish 10 minutes of cardio to up to 40 at a time
3) Giving up soda for good as of July 4
4) Going down 4-5 sizes, from a 24/26 to a 14/16, and fitting into a juniors size 17! :-D
5) Not having to struggle to do everyday things anymore!
Four goals for the rest of 2010:
1) Get into a jean size 12
2) Increase my cardio by 10 minutes a day
3) Break through my emotional barriers once and for all!
4) End the year strong, loud, and proud!
Three things that I hope to gain in the coming months:
1) More physical strength
2) More clothes (seems a little silly, but I'll have even more options!)
3) 100% confidence with myself, no matter what!
Two things I want to accomplish in 2011:
1) To be at goal (90 pounds lost) and maintaing well into next year!
2) Help others who have experienced similar struggles as I have
One thing that will hold true now and forever:
1) I will NEVER go back to being over 240 pounds, miserable, and unhealthy!!
Those are my reflections and goals! They may seem a little generic, but I will get into specifics as I blog about them more and more!
Good night, and thank you for the continued love and support!
Kisses and hugs,
Tracy
Six things I've learned about myself:
1) I am capable of way more than I realized that I was.
2) I have become more emotional than I was in the past, and that's okay.
3) I honestly still struggle with self-esteem, but realize that at the end of the day, I am truly great inside and out.
4) I am not as alone in this as I thought I was.
5) I can stand up for myself and not be totally afraid of the repercussions
6) I AM WORTH IT!
Five accomplishments in 15 months:
1) 60 pound weight loss (slow, I know, but getting there!)
2) Going from a sluggish 10 minutes of cardio to up to 40 at a time
3) Giving up soda for good as of July 4
4) Going down 4-5 sizes, from a 24/26 to a 14/16, and fitting into a juniors size 17! :-D
5) Not having to struggle to do everyday things anymore!
Four goals for the rest of 2010:
1) Get into a jean size 12
2) Increase my cardio by 10 minutes a day
3) Break through my emotional barriers once and for all!
4) End the year strong, loud, and proud!
Three things that I hope to gain in the coming months:
1) More physical strength
2) More clothes (seems a little silly, but I'll have even more options!)
3) 100% confidence with myself, no matter what!
Two things I want to accomplish in 2011:
1) To be at goal (90 pounds lost) and maintaing well into next year!
2) Help others who have experienced similar struggles as I have
One thing that will hold true now and forever:
1) I will NEVER go back to being over 240 pounds, miserable, and unhealthy!!
Those are my reflections and goals! They may seem a little generic, but I will get into specifics as I blog about them more and more!
Good night, and thank you for the continued love and support!
Kisses and hugs,
Tracy
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Total Meltdown Today...
Hi, guys! Well, as the title of this entry says, I totally melted down today. My day started off horribly, with a gain of 3 pounds. Upset and frustrated, I realized that it was either water weight, or as the negative vibes were coming in, thought that I just plain sucked at this.
I ended up working for five hours today, after I got done at the gym. I had full intentions of going back after my shift, to get my cardio in, but basically let my tired body get to me and said "Screw it." Not the attitude I should be having at this point in my journey! :-(
I got home, chilled for a little bit, then out of nowhere, I just totally broke down with so many negative thoughts coming into my head. Basically, I just thought of myself as an emotional, disgusting, unloveable, size 16 mess who no right minded guy would think of loving. Then the tears came. Not crying at the moment, but still frustrated.
Eventually, I will be at peace with myself, and WILL totally love myself, but I do still have some soul searching and emotional healing to get through. Thank you all for helping me and being part of this journey!
Kisses and hugs,
Tracy
I ended up working for five hours today, after I got done at the gym. I had full intentions of going back after my shift, to get my cardio in, but basically let my tired body get to me and said "Screw it." Not the attitude I should be having at this point in my journey! :-(
I got home, chilled for a little bit, then out of nowhere, I just totally broke down with so many negative thoughts coming into my head. Basically, I just thought of myself as an emotional, disgusting, unloveable, size 16 mess who no right minded guy would think of loving. Then the tears came. Not crying at the moment, but still frustrated.
Eventually, I will be at peace with myself, and WILL totally love myself, but I do still have some soul searching and emotional healing to get through. Thank you all for helping me and being part of this journey!
Kisses and hugs,
Tracy
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
It's Only Going Up!
Hey, guys! I was going to write this earlier in the day, but I needed some time to wrap my head around several positive things that happened in my weight-loss journey.
First off, on Saturday, I went to the mall, and did not have any dressing room meltdowns! In fact, it was the opposite! I was doing happy dances! Sure, not everything fit 100%, some didn't fit at all, but I just think back to last August, and I wouldn't even think about going into any store in the mall at all!
Second, I went down another size at Old Navy! I am now in a 14! Still can't wrap my head around that either. In just over a year, I go from a 24/26 to a 14/16. It still seems a little surreal.
Finally...I HIT MY 60 POUND MILESTONE TODAY!! That's the one I'm still in quite a bit of shock over. I know that my weight loss was very slow, and that most people would lose 60 pounds in half the time that I did, but I'm just glad I stayed with it. The weight did, and still is coming off! :-)
Okay, that's everything! Still in a little bit of shock over it all, but it's a good shock. The kind to keep me motivated! I still have 30 pounds or so to lose before I hit my goal, but I will get there!
Kisses and hugs,
Tracy
First off, on Saturday, I went to the mall, and did not have any dressing room meltdowns! In fact, it was the opposite! I was doing happy dances! Sure, not everything fit 100%, some didn't fit at all, but I just think back to last August, and I wouldn't even think about going into any store in the mall at all!
Second, I went down another size at Old Navy! I am now in a 14! Still can't wrap my head around that either. In just over a year, I go from a 24/26 to a 14/16. It still seems a little surreal.
Finally...I HIT MY 60 POUND MILESTONE TODAY!! That's the one I'm still in quite a bit of shock over. I know that my weight loss was very slow, and that most people would lose 60 pounds in half the time that I did, but I'm just glad I stayed with it. The weight did, and still is coming off! :-)
Okay, that's everything! Still in a little bit of shock over it all, but it's a good shock. The kind to keep me motivated! I still have 30 pounds or so to lose before I hit my goal, but I will get there!
Kisses and hugs,
Tracy
Monday, September 27, 2010
Experiencing a struggle...
Hey, guys! Sorry I haven't written in awhile, I've been pretty busy!
I decided to write an entry tonight without any numbers or other cliche weight loss info, because I am keeping this real and want to write about my journey from the heart, not just the stats.
This is something that I have been kind of afraid to admit until now: I am still struggling with self-esteem, maybe a little more so before I started losing weight. When I was almost 250 pounds, I really didn't love myself. I loved everyone else more than me, which is what I think lead me to the self-destructive path I was on.
In a year, I have lost almost 60 pounds. Sure, it feels great and all, but honestly, I feel like I got almost nowhere. I'm still in the "obese" portion of the charts, and still can't shop in any of the good stores. I spend MORE time crying now than I did before, and I'm still struggling with loving myself 100%.
For the record, I do love myself. Otherwise, who knows how much more weight I would have gained. I just struggle with loving myself 100% like I should. I will get there though. It's just a matter of time.
Thank you everyone for your love and support! :-)
Tracy
I decided to write an entry tonight without any numbers or other cliche weight loss info, because I am keeping this real and want to write about my journey from the heart, not just the stats.
This is something that I have been kind of afraid to admit until now: I am still struggling with self-esteem, maybe a little more so before I started losing weight. When I was almost 250 pounds, I really didn't love myself. I loved everyone else more than me, which is what I think lead me to the self-destructive path I was on.
In a year, I have lost almost 60 pounds. Sure, it feels great and all, but honestly, I feel like I got almost nowhere. I'm still in the "obese" portion of the charts, and still can't shop in any of the good stores. I spend MORE time crying now than I did before, and I'm still struggling with loving myself 100%.
For the record, I do love myself. Otherwise, who knows how much more weight I would have gained. I just struggle with loving myself 100% like I should. I will get there though. It's just a matter of time.
Thank you everyone for your love and support! :-)
Tracy
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
I Know, It's Been Awhile...
Hey, everyone! I know, long time no write. I've been busy as anything!
Anyway, my 25th birthday was 10 days ago, and I did not hit my goal of 70 pounds lost. I fell short by 11 pounds. I was 187 on my birthday, and still am. However, I feel so great no matter what the scale says! While that number has stayed the same, I have been losing inches throughout my body, so I am making significant progress. It took me some time to realize it, but it finally sunk in. I even splurged and bought myself some new outfits for my birthday! Of course, I splurged that weekend, but I got right back on track the following Monday. Overall, I am very, very happy with how far I have come over the course of a year! 25 will be my year to ROCK!
Have a great day, everyone!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Hi, everyone! =)
Hello, my friends! Hope everyone is doing well!
After three weeks of no change in my scale weight, which I'm guessing is due to gaining muscle weight after starting with my trainer three weeks ago, I weighed myself this morning, and saw that I lost two pounds! Total of 59 pounds lost in 11 months! I will fall short of my birthday goal of 70, but in all honesty I could not be prouder of myself.
I have become such a different person in the last year, both mentally and physically. I am not as afraid to stand up for myself and I have realized that I am more capable of doing stuff than I ever thought I was. With my birthday coming up in 17 days, I will be celebrating not only my birthday, but a new start on my life as well.
Have a great day, everyone!
Kisses and hugs,
~Tracy~
Friday, July 2, 2010
Quick Update!
Hey, guys! Happy 4th of July weekend!
Well, first off, my four pound gain was nothing more than water weight. It came right off this week. For a moment, I thought I was messing up big time. Turns out, it was just hormones.
Second, I got set up with a trainer at my gym. I got a deal for $25 each session. I'm only doing it once a week, but I figure that is still pretty good. That way, I can see what I have to do, then work on it on my own the rest of the week. I'm realizing that I can't, or should have to, do this 100% on my own. In fact, my parents are helping me pay for it, so I have their support too. Everything is looking good right now. =)
Enjoy your weekend, everyone!
Kisses and hugs,
Tracy
Well, first off, my four pound gain was nothing more than water weight. It came right off this week. For a moment, I thought I was messing up big time. Turns out, it was just hormones.
Second, I got set up with a trainer at my gym. I got a deal for $25 each session. I'm only doing it once a week, but I figure that is still pretty good. That way, I can see what I have to do, then work on it on my own the rest of the week. I'm realizing that I can't, or should have to, do this 100% on my own. In fact, my parents are helping me pay for it, so I have their support too. Everything is looking good right now. =)
Enjoy your weekend, everyone!
Kisses and hugs,
Tracy
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